foi response from Taja Will (MN)

Hello sweet people,

I have spent the last few hours writing, about dreams, and reality, and then read all the responses to foi from those of you who have e-mailed , tears in my eyes, at times sobbing out loud, here in the Bad Waitress Cafe.

I hate disclaimers, I use them far too often...disclaimer: I feel compelled to share, although I am not sure how to address you all, because I feel so much love for every one of you, I'm not sure how articulate I am, if at all. So I will share short portions of my post foi journal with you. No specific order, some of it doesn't make sense to me, but it is truth.

Jan 1st 9:30pm:
Finally now I feel ready to be with me, and my thoughts- in this moment, naked, soaking in a hot bath- words ready to pour- raw and humbled.

...I premeditated participation for months feeling afraid, knowing I was safe because Minnesota was already being represented, until four days before. On Sunday, in church, in the middle of the sermon, I got up and left, didn't know why, checked my phone, a message, asking me to participate...yes

...Tuesday the 30th, began with..."Amazing Grace", at my grandmother funeral, then my delayed flight from Iowa to Minnesota...missed Miguel's call, I knew we weren't meant to speak before it...mini panic attack, called Amanda (Iowa rep)...reached Minnesota around 7pm...

IN...20 hours done, I think, last four hours, raw exhaustion, lack of energy from myself, knowing I was alone in the room, couldn't seem to summon any energy from others...as if a solution from an unknown source I became cold, freezing...

...exhaustion tasks,repetition, buzz, fear, distrust, obsession, truth, compassion, becoming, morphing, trans- formation,forming, itional,itioning...

...what happens next, then, after all that I know, all that I can do...

...my soapbox? a mantra? didn't have one, my meditation didn't work...I did have a phrase, movement phrase, it happened and stayed, repeated. touch my eyes, tap my ears, reach to the sky, hit my heart, and whisper to you (all of you) "we are strong, we are powerful, we are beautiful, we are divine"(MG)...

... I though of myself as a vessel, w/out identity...

..."and because of you the war has ended" a friend said jokingly on the 1st, something told me to be offended, upset with him, but I wasn't, I simply heard...

...crawling, suddenly scooped up and hugged, a completely sincere hug, Tim my 18 hour witness, who donated his apartment when I couldn't find a space, my dear friend...

...I became obsessed with my blindfold, wanting it to come off, felt like I had formed hives underneath it, I dug at my eyes constantly throughout the entire time, in the last hours the blindfold became almost too painful to keep on, feeling like it was digging into my skin with no letting up until the moment it came off...

...I heard what I wanted to hear, my phone ringing ( it was on silent), I talked to myself until I could feel the heat of the sun coming in the windows, heard all my thoughts, heard my voice as I sang when I was afraid, I didn't need the extra loud alarm at midnight, I heard the countdown from the apartment on the floor above me, or I imagined it at exactly the right time...

...drinking: every single time I drank water I thought I was going to drown, no like I was drowning, perhaps from the combination of sensory deprivation and being slightly congested with a mouthful of water...

...fear, manifested in anger, at self, at everyone, everything, I pounded the walls, the floor, my chest...when jolts of surprising small pains were revitalizing, not hurt so good, but hurt so necessary...

...time of sobbing, no idea how long it lasted...

...time of bliss, Karen Sherman and Morgan Thorson (original MN rep), I knew it was them, moved with me, moved me for me, first witnesses to engage with me...

...safe in my corner, stubborn wall (bruises, battle wounds), uncomfortable pants, lucky sweater- it was my dads until a week ago, when I took it off the pile of clean laundry and asked if I could have it, my dad, a supporter always, even when doesn't understand or agree, he loves and supports..

...time of bliss with myself, completely alone, (forgetting the camera) I sang, I let what was next enter my body, allowed honesty...

...the last, lasting (what I think was the last 15 minutes)...feared I would stop moving, shaking uncontrollably from the cold, knees hurt too much to craw, back hurt too much to roll, every muscle hurt, too much pain to go on, sitz bones hurt too much to sit on, then I couldn't stand anymore, thinking tomorrow I will pay, too much pain in my body, scared for my lower back, I became haunted by my three months paralysis four years ago...I could only slowly rock until time...

...blindfold off, I was surprised to see people I didn't know with me, some I thought were there but weren't, and a few I knew were there, speechless, and tearful- euphoria, grateful, humbled, no longer exhausted,not cold, not hungry...in a place of truth and bliss

...grateful for small loves/bliss, humbled by the task, sharing task, being with...raw truth...

...end,begin...


that's it, all I want to share in this moment, a lot more then I thought I would want to, my stream of consciousness writing goes on for 8 pages, even some margins filled. I am happy to report that I don't have a sore muscle in my body, I feel wonderful and completely in love with something, perhaps everything, no maybe not everything, I don't know blah, blah, blah. I love you all, that feels true, disclaimer: I've been told I say "I love you" too often, I've tried to stop, and did within the last few months I stopped to think carefully about who, or what I said I loved. I love you all. Thank you.

lol (lots of love)
taja

PS If any of you are in the area, I would love to meet you, or see you again.